The following is an excerpt from a forthcoming book by Mark Hallock and Aaron Weber entitled Why Church Matters: Going All In with the Broken Yet Beautiful Body of Christ (Acoma Press, 2021).
We do not pretend to think that everyone picking up this book has had the best experience with the church. Some of you have been hurt by pastors you trusted. Or maybe some of you have been burned by other church members who act differently from what Jesus calls his people to be like. And maybe some of you have even worked in the church, and your experience was not good. If you have been wounded by the Church, hear us say this again: we are so sorry. We grieve with you that you have been hurt by the Church. We lament that the realities of sin affect even the people of God. And we understand that real pain comes from such wounds.
If this is where you find yourself, we completely understand that you may read parts of this book and think, “Well yeah, that is the ideal; but my experience shows that many churches and pastors are far from the ideal.” We agree with you: the Church is far from perfect. We have not tried to hide that truth.
If this is you, we want to encourage you. These ideas below are not a step-by-step plan to fix yourself, nor are they applicable in the same way to every person. Instead, these are words that we hope bring comfort and healing, or at least lead you in that direction.
#1: REMEMBER THAT GOD HAS NOT ABANDONED YOU.
Your poor church experience may make you wonder if God himself would treat you the same way. This is far from the truth! God is faithful in his steadfast love towards you! In fact, when you are hurt and in despair, God does not leave, but he draws even closer. He listens to you in your pain. He stoops down to you in your suffering like a father stoops down to his child who is in pain. Look at how David puts it in Psalm 40:1-2:
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
God has not abandoned you despite how a bad church experience may make you feel.
#2: REACH OUT TO SOMEONE TO TALK ABOUT IT.
Pain from a bad experience will never just “go away.” The longer it is wrapped up, the more tension it will build before it blows up in a horrific fashion. In the same way, you need to find others who can lovingly listen to your experience. If you have been hurt by the church, it is not the time to be tough and “suck it up.” Rather, call a close friend who you can share vulnerable hurts with. Schedule time with a counselor. Reach out to someone who is older, wiser, and may have gone through a similar experience at some point. Or reach out to a different pastor whom you trust. What we are saying is simple: talk about it. It may also be wise to grab a journal and write out your thoughts. Whatever helps you process your wounds will be hard, but will ultimately help you in this season.
#3: DON’T GIVE UP ON THE CHURCH.
Hear us out: this one will likely take time. Your pain could be the result of any number of issues. You may have left a church for very good reasons, but those reasons can still bring wounds. It will take time before you can trust a local church body again.
And hear us say this: that is okay. That is totally okay! But don’t let that season become years and decades. Maybe this word picture will help explain what we mean. Imagine an old boat. It’s pretty beat up. It’s gone on loads of trips, and it usually bounces back pretty well. But this last trip... well, the storm it encountered was almost too much. The wounds it suffered were great, and it needs some time to recover. What this boat needs is a safe harbor to rest in—a place where the sun is warm, the water is clear, and it can be repaired properly. Now technically any little cove could do; but what is best for this boat is a place it can lay its anchor and know it will be well taken care of because the repair people know what it has been through.
It is the same for you if you have been hurt by the church. You need a safe harbor. And while a little cove somewhere could potentially give you some rest (with that little cove being a “lone ranger” mentality of “I will get through this by myself”), what you really need is a safe harbor. In this analogy, the safe harbor is a loving community of Christians who a) know what you have experienced and b) know how to care for you.
Here is what we mean: when you are processing your wounds from the church, don’t run from anything that seems church-y. Rather, we encourage you to find a church that will take the time to shepherd you in your hurt. It may be hard, but the right church will be like a harbor to the boat of your soul.
Dealing with the pain from a bad church experience is really tough. But take heart, Christian: even in a season of pain and even doubt, the Lord is still with you and is working in you! Paul writes about this in Romans 8:26:
Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.
Know, then, that your hurt will not last forever. Remember that God has not abandoned you. Don’t give up on his church, but wait patiently for the Lord. Just as the Holy Spirit is working in your life no matter how dry it feels, so too does he work for your good and God’s glory.
Mark Hallock (Assistant Professor of Applied Theology at Tennent) and Aaron Weber both live in Colorado with their families. Their book, Why Church Matters: Going All In with the Broken Yet Beautiful Body of Christ, will be available June 1, 2021.